JOTD

Every great forum has a Joke Of The Day thread. And this forum is by far the best. So unless I missed it somewhere as to why we can't, how about if we share a few laughs together. Sure can use it in this crazy world. Besides I've seen some of your funny side and I think we'll have the best JOTD thread of any. Everybody join in.

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favorite cheese scones.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . .................................


Knock it off!!...Those are for the funeral!

 

Lol! Nice! I don't even want to tell you where my mind was going. No joke coming this time, thinking.............

 

Here is one.Subject: BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

a little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

This is shocking, but justice at it's finest. Bullies beware!


www.noob.us

 

wow that kid let loose!! good for him!

 

AH, HAHAHAHHAHA, that little kid got what was coming! ...love it

A man calls his wife from the hospital and says he just lost his finger in a construction accident. "Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?" "No" he says. "The one next to it."

 

The whole finger....that's an old classic.
A fellow called his wife and told her his "tool" had gotten caught in the pickle slicer. His wife says are you OK? He said yeah I'm fine but we BOTH lost our jobs.. hehehe

 

Fat kids rule!@ lol!

bully down

 

This is EXCELLENT....enjoy....

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No,

Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"



Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is,a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a
few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!"

"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had
prepared an excellent meal.

The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You F**kers are my kind of people!"


jeff
PS, I hope the "sob's" didn't offend anyone. I keep my language clean on this board but I didn't want to ruid the joke by abbreviating it since it lends value to the joke...mods, forgive me!!

 

That's a good one LOL

 

You guys are hilarious! And thanks guys for recognizing the difference between being 'colorful' and dirty. This is a great forum.

 

Guy walks into a bar and sees this drop dead gorgeous blonde sitting alone at the bar. Thinking he's got nothing to lose, pulls up a stool beside her and offers to buy her one of what ever she's drinking.
She turns, looks him up and down and says, "Really, you think I would let a total stranger just come up and buy ME a drink", "Get lost"!
Undeterred, the guy then says, "Honey, I just hit it big on the lottery and if I were to offer you $10,000.00 to have just one hour of wild, unabandoned, dirty sweaty sex with me, what would you say to that"?
She looks back with a big come F**K me smile and says, "Honey, for that kind of money you don't even have to buy me dinner after"!
SO the guy says,"Well, how would you feel about doing it for a $100.00 then"?
The smaile fades from her face and her eyes become hard and she says,"Mister, just what kind of a woman do you think I am"?
The guy looks her square in the eyes and says,"Baby, we've already established what kind of woman you are". Looks back to his drink, takes a sip and says "all we're doing now is haggling over the price"

 

Lol, nice one Maxim, didn't see that one coming! ha ha!

 

Do you know the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer ????

The prostitute will quit screwing you, when your dead.

 

Once upon a time, a handsome Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me? The Princess said NO!!!!! ....and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, made many cruises, got good friends and screwed skinny big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to titty bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum , did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and chased cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work or on a cruise and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.



The end

 

Livin' the DREAM!!!!!!!!!!
Then he woke up beside his FAT wife, turned off the alarm clock, got ready for work and lived unhappily ever after. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

 

iwingameover! That was awesome! I was almost there........once, but they have a way of capturing us, at least this one let's me keep my money and guns and ride motorcycles!

 

I told mine I had the guns, bike and truck first, which do you think is leaving?

She's still here, I got more guns and a bigger truck. I'm working on another bike.

 

Ha ha, I hear you! Like we'd give our guns up to a woman, sheet! But seriously, it takes time to find a good one that understands what makes us men and knows when to leave us alone, lol!

p.s. I still have a house that I rent so that helps, she knows I can bounce anytime if I want to, lol!